‘My experiences are those of many other women’: Anna Marie Tendler on mental health and the men in her life
Mst Have Called Her Crazy is singer Anna Marie Tendler’s candid account of years of struggling with depression, disordered eating and self-harm. Tendler, 39, began cutting himself at the age of 14. It was a way to escape the anxiety and sadness that plagued him, and something he did for decades, often wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his habit.
In February, when Tendler announced that he was working on a memoir, the internet lit up with excitement. Many strangers were delighted by the news of what many hoped would be good news for comedian John Mulaney’s disgraced ex-wife. Mulaney, a former host of Saturday Night Live, faced alcoholism in late 2020 and, according to a statement issued by Tendler in May 2021, “decided to end our marriage”. In the same month, Mulaney and actress Olivia Munn were known as an ongoing affair.
But this book is a surprising departure from what Reddit habitués have come to expect. The information about Tendler’s ex-husband and their divorce is scarce enough to rely on one hand. Instead, he offers a modern Bell Jar that focuses on the struggles of his life and their encounters with patriarchy.
He writes: “In my view, psychology was developed by white men using white men as the basic standard of morality and purity.” “Centuries of conditioning have taught them, and us as a society, that when a woman shows anger, emotion, fear, anxiety, stress or emotion, they may be going crazy.”
Tendler details the two weeks he spent in a psychiatric hospital starting on New Year’s Day 2021 at the recommendation of his doctor. Chapters about her time in hospital are interspersed with others about relationships with past boyfriends – from the 29-year-old star who lost her virginity at 17 to her brother who was cruel who worked with him while he was working. like the $8 an hour shampoo girl at the hair salon.
Tendler spoke to the Guardian from his home in the Connecticut woods, which he shares with his three cats.
How did you first come to check out a mental institution?
It was recommended to me by my doctor. It was not something I had thought about or wanted for myself. He knew about this hospital that had a screening program. It was only a week, and he suggested I do it then, as I was hurting myself a lot. I wanted to kill myself. I joined on New Year’s Day in 2021.
Your hourly report to the center is correct.
When I was in the hospital, I wrote down the details, not expecting to do anything with them. I felt like that was hopefully one experience I really wanted to remember. When I wrote about my story, I was also able to tap into something general, which was my goal all along. What I really wanted to find out was not necessarily what was normal, but how my experiences might be similar to many other women’s.
Right after reading your book, I read Lies, Sarah Manguso‘s new novel about marriage and mental health, and gaslighting. In another passage, the narrator talks about how her husband used her in a mental hospital before she met him against him: “Somehow in the following years the hospitalization was twisted, with the influence of John’s contempt; to establish an institution. Not only that, but willingly to establish an agency. As if that was worse than being held by force. As if you have to be crazier to accept treatment.” I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.
That was not my experience at all when it came to going to the hospital. I felt like everyone in my life, all my friends and family were very supportive. It was truly a lifesaver and I never felt ashamed of it. Since being in the hospital, I have met many other people who have gone through inpatient treatment.
It’s funny because my own experience of going to the hospital was the craziest I’ve ever felt. When I went to the hospital, I went in crazy. When I got there, I felt not crazy, not because I was among crazy people. I said, “Oh, we’re all in the same boat here. We are all struggling.”
Do you consider yourself struggling with mental illness right now?
I am somewhat opposed to the word “mental illness”. On the other hand, words are a way of language that we can feel to understand something and feel part of the community. But on the other hand, I think they can become very difficult. I have depression and anxiety. I control those things, but they will always be there. So even though I feel like I’m in a very different place than I was when I was in the hospital, those are also parts of me that will be there forever.
The title of your book is Men Have Called Her Crazy, and you devote a lot of time to deconstructing patriarchy.
I came up with a great theme early in the process of working on it. I knew I wanted to go back and sort out my relationships with men. This book goes back so far – and this is something I really came to [understand] At the end of writing the book – that it is difficult for me to blame individuals because I think that there are structures that produce these systems. I also wanted to check the things I brought in such situations.
Your book is not as profitable as some people expected. How do you think it reaches the earth?
I decided to write something literary. I wrote in college and I wrote in grad school. And when I wrote this book, I had a specific idea of the story I wanted to tell. The book is based on it [my time at] hospital so that it feels like the foundation of the story, and I think it gives the story of mental health a lot more.
When I read your book, I was touched by the spirit of grief. Finally, you speak clearly by revealing the underlying sadness of your depression.
after the news release
When I was a child, I was worried. I thought about death a lot. Sad things hit me hard. And there were things that happened later in my childhood, like I was practicing ballet very hard and I got injured and I realized: I’m not supposed to do this. And it was all my information. I stopped dancing when I was 17. [Dancing] It was a big part of my life and I had to switch gears and find something else that I really love. That was really hard.
There’s a great moment in your book when you talk about the joy you get from making Victorian-style lampshades.
Jumping back and forth between more cerebral things and things that are more tactile and use different parts of my brain helps me get out of that feeling of being stuck and not creating.
There are many doctors filling your book – more than one has abandoned you or betrayed you.
When I was a teenager, I saw the same doctor my mother saw and my parents saw for couples therapy, who was completely unethical. And the doctor who was so strong for many, many years, and who encouraged me to go to the hospital [urged me to end our relationship].
I know you’re working with a different doctor now, but how would you describe your self-care routine?
Another thing that came out of this epidemic was that my group of female friends became closer. I have a very strong support. We have already written a message today – about the Olympics. And now I have my cats which I also love very much. They are great partners. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have depression or anxiety anymore. I also have days when I feel miserable.
I would be remiss not to mention a notable absence in your book. Most people are going to read between the lines.
I was like, I didn’t need to talk about it to write a big book. I didn’t have to rely on one thing that people might know about me. I also wanted to write a story that people could relate to. When you write a book, you can choose the content.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat with 988lifeline.org. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA on 741741. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In Australia, support is available from Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 1. 14, and to MensLine on 1300 789 978
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